A Prisoner Of My Own Mind

This week I’ve really been struggling with overthinking. I feel like I’m a prisoner of my own mind. The thoughts I’m battling are so irrational and even being in a sound state of mind I can’t quiet the noise.

Things are starting to settle into a routine here at home, with that comes situations that neither of us have been in. This is still new territory for us, relearning and even just learning a person again. We’ve butt heads a little bit this week and I have fallen into some old bad habits. I was so oblivious to them while they were happening. Until he pointed it out to me and now I can’t unsee them.

I’m co-dependent. I got comfortable with having him around and took advantage of the things he does for me. Not that I don’t appreciate every single thing this man does for me, I need to not rely on him for so much. I need to be more independent. I’m glad he pointed these things out to me because I (now) know it’s been bothering him. I wish he had done it in a nicer way…He is very blunt and he’s not aware of how his words can affect me. It’s a learning process for both of us.

Things are still a little tense between us, now two days later. I’m trying my best to not overthink it and just take one day at a time. Being the person I am….also struggling with control…and being a people pleaser…I have baked cookies today, made dinner, bought groceries…and beer. I tried to move our grill into the garage because we have a hurricane rapidly approaching us…but I can’t do it. It’s too heavy. I’m really struggling not being able to do it…just following our struggles this week. I’m really being hard on myself. I’ve tried a few several times to get it and I just can’t. I know he’s not going to be upset with me if I can’t move it myself…but I just want to be able to help. I want to be able to do these things on my own so he doesn’t have to worry about it. He’s also been working late all week and that could be adding to his stress levels and that could be why I feel tension between us.

It could be all in my head.

I constantly wish all the time that I could be normal, that I could live life without these struggles. I know they come from parts of my past. While I am working on myself and these “problems” constantly, I have to remind myself that I am human. That it’s okay to not be perfect.

As long as I am working on bettering myself…I am the perfect version of myself that I can be. I have to remember that.

Unfortunately, these “problems” don’t go away overnight and even though I have been working on them for years…I will likely suffer with them the rest of my life. I know I have the right tools though to be able to work through them I refuse to let them own me anymore. I will keep myself accountable with the help of my loved ones near me and a lot of hard work from myself.

Never be afraid of reaching out for help from a friend, accountability partner, a licensed professional, or a loved one. Anyone you can trust. Just remember you aren’t alone and you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

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